I forgot my blue book

I had a nightmare last night. I dreamt I showed up to class without a blue book, and I tossed and turned all night because of it. I can still remember looking at all the other students in the classroom with the book of blank paper on their desks. Some were flipping through it (don't know why - it's totally blank) while others were writing their names on it and then looking up with confidence on their faces as they've memorized the book so at least they were going to ace the test. I was feeling like I was a total failure because I was they only idiot who forgot it.

Can you say someone didn't study as much as she should have?

Not that I didn't put enough time, no matter how much time I spend it never feels adequate though this test went without a hitch. And you know what that means... I most likely failed it. Things work out that way when it comes to me. Usually I'm prepared for tests, if not knowing the material then at least having the test tools ready. Stress sucks. I almost had a heart attack when I thought I left my pencil box at home. I could have asked the girl next to me but fortunately I found a pen and sat around waiting for the professor to come.

Come to think of it, I also could have asked the people in class if they had an extra blue book and pay twice as much as it would cost at the bookstore. Or ask the prof if I could leave to make a run to the bookstore... he's pretty lenient, but I guess being a WWII vet would make you see life differently. The man is 80, way beyond retirement but he comes back to teach because he enjoys it. What else is he going to do? Putter around the house? That would drive his wife mad.

"The saddest thing is to find out you have no passion for anything." - Emmaline

I'm starting to think I'm heading towards that direction; a wild goose chase for something that doesn't exist. Gah, how come some people know what they want to do when they're in grade school while I can't figure anything out after living near a quarter century?