Where is my mind?

Yesterday was the first day of work for this week, and was quite possibly the worst. Maybe. I don't know really, I have two more days of work so we'll see. Anyway, I was preoccupied with emailing Jenn since we don't sit near each other and have developed a pseudo-chat system by playing tag through email. Today Roma told me about her friend upstairs who knows more about the program I’m trying to get into at work. Since her friend is in municipals, she says her department requires interns to pay once they're in the program. Which is ridiculous. Roma says she doesn’t know how much but maybe it’s just that one department. Why the hell should I pay to be a virtual slave though? Plus, there is no guarantee I'd make it after the period of training. Screw it, I say. This is utter crap. I still have to go through the normal applications process and all that.

Forget about it. There are more things to life than this, like taking pictures of elephants and various wildlife in Africa. You must have alternative plans, darlings.

Where was I? Oh yes. Yesterday however, I didn't know about having to pay so I was debating with myself whether or not to stay with the company. Jenn had a few inputs, and we slacked off work a bit. If it weren't for the money... Why does it cost so much to live?

My whole point for this post today was that I got on the wrong train going home. Yesterday, that is. I quickly realized this when we surfaced and I saw the Victorian houses on Carl Street. So I hopped off at Duboce park and waited for the returning train to take me back to Van Ness, in which I wasted another hour. Why did I miss that train? I was so sure it was the M but apparently not. Sheesh. The people on this train were more nice and pleasant. Duh. That should have been the first clue. I think I'm losing my mind. Or my sight. Most likely both. But maybe I should not think all the time lest I unintentionally kill myself and many innocent others due to my spaciness.

Today, I went out to go pick up lunch with Michelle (not my favorite person but oh well) for everyone since it was in celebration towards Keith's upcoming wedding this Saturday. Good for him, I am very jealous of his fiancee. She caught herself a “good man”. But since they've been dating for 9 years (?) or so I'd say she's entitled.

I’m looking forward to summer classes since they should be interesting and are an excuse not to work so much. I find myself increasingly jealous of people with trust funds and who are just taking it easy. Damn, what a life. Do they just manage their portfolios all their lives or something?

I forgot my blue book

I had a nightmare last night. I dreamt I showed up to class without a blue book, and I tossed and turned all night because of it. I can still remember looking at all the other students in the classroom with the book of blank paper on their desks. Some were flipping through it (don't know why - it's totally blank) while others were writing their names on it and then looking up with confidence on their faces as they've memorized the book so at least they were going to ace the test. I was feeling like I was a total failure because I was they only idiot who forgot it.

Can you say someone didn't study as much as she should have?

Not that I didn't put enough time, no matter how much time I spend it never feels adequate though this test went without a hitch. And you know what that means... I most likely failed it. Things work out that way when it comes to me. Usually I'm prepared for tests, if not knowing the material then at least having the test tools ready. Stress sucks. I almost had a heart attack when I thought I left my pencil box at home. I could have asked the girl next to me but fortunately I found a pen and sat around waiting for the professor to come.

Come to think of it, I also could have asked the people in class if they had an extra blue book and pay twice as much as it would cost at the bookstore. Or ask the prof if I could leave to make a run to the bookstore... he's pretty lenient, but I guess being a WWII vet would make you see life differently. The man is 80, way beyond retirement but he comes back to teach because he enjoys it. What else is he going to do? Putter around the house? That would drive his wife mad.

"The saddest thing is to find out you have no passion for anything." - Emmaline

I'm starting to think I'm heading towards that direction; a wild goose chase for something that doesn't exist. Gah, how come some people know what they want to do when they're in grade school while I can't figure anything out after living near a quarter century?

The things you think of...

Why are some mornings easier for me to wake up to? I actually got up earlier than I had to but I couldn’t go back to sleeping again. Apparently, Thursdays are lawn mowing days and since I happen to live in a house with the park as a backyard, it was a good time to wake up anyhow. I managed to get myself over to the station without getting hit by a car, and boarded the train for work. As the car rattled on the tracks while I was leaning against the car connection, I looked at the man standing opposite me. Then I looked down at my feet. My eyes wandered over to the reflections on the safety glass windows. Then I looked at my feet again.

All I could think of during this moment of introspection was… I haven’t had crème brulee in the longest time. I want some. Right now.

Alas, I had to settle with the prospect that I’d have to go and make some myself when I go home in a day. Obviously, I could go to some restaurant and get some, but I’d rather not. And it’s not like Cecilia or George have any blow torches at the house… so guess who’s going to be clogging her arteries this weekend?

It will be worth it though, without a doubt.

The mess that is called work

I started work at the firm on the last week of December, 2005. I’ve learned so many things since then, what you can and can’t do, what you shouldn’t do to piss off Michelle, and where all the lunch places are. Because I, Connie Allenbury, get lunch for the people in my group even if I didn’t order anything for myself. Which makes the motivation to go and get lunch non existent. But I go anyway, because I don’t want to lose this job. Two months ago, I would have agreed with that statement. Today, I don’t give a crap. I’m simply riding this wave out for as long as I can get another job where there is more of a possibility for movement upwards. If I can’t wrangle out an inside connection to another program that prompted me to work for this company in the first place, I am out.

Jenn, my partner in crime and fellow intern at work, and I have come to the conclusion of leaving at the end of summer. Whether we have new jobs or not. I might want to stick around to for the other program but I have a feeling it’s going to be useless, I’d simply be adding more stress for myself and have to deal with M’s attitude.

Because of our differing school schedules, Jenn and I don’t get to see each other that often; Fridays are usually when we get to talk. Two weeks ago, Roma took a day off from work so Jenn was able to sit with me in my corner and we got to talking about how much we hated Michelle, so she wasn’t the only one to feel this way. Actually, if you don’t hate her, something must be wrong with you.

We talked about our work escapades and how we got into trouble, mine being that my mistake was brought up at one of the meetings. So instead of talking to me privately about my mistake and how I can fix it for the next time, all my team members know about it. Jenn’s case was how she was taken aside and reprimanded for quickly reviewing something for school (more like looking at her cheat sheet) at work whilst waiting for M to assign work for her. Anyway, Jenn got around to talking about how her job at school requires her to work the recording machine and she somehow set it to play at fast forward speed. Horrifyingly, the machine played some girl’s voice at a high pitch, much like M’s voice on any given day. She shuddered and quickly got the machine to stop. But for one moment, I bet she was freaking out. Really, who wants to be reminded of bitchy co-workers when you’re not at work and you don’t have to see them?