More friends please!

Oh dear me,

It has come to this. I think I need to get out more.

J had invited me to her birthday dinner party thing and I told her I'd go. Unfortunately, things didn't turn out the way I wanted. But today, it lead me to do something I've never really done. Ever. There's a first for everything and so I posted an ad for more friends.

Yep.

More friends.

Seeing how my pool of friends was never that large to begin with, I came to the realization that I was lonely. And that I really wasn't good friends with J anymore, which happens. Did I really want to wait for her and her gang of new friends to come or should I just chuck it and head home? The answer was obvious. I left. After changing restaurants for the third time, I only noticed the meeting place and not the new time. I waited for a few minutes, called her, had her call me back, told her I'd wait, rethought that notion, told her so, and headed home. Screw it I say.


I haven't really regretted that decision. The place was a bit loud and the crowd were more posh than what I'm used to. I saved myself a bit of money by not going, and it would have been awkward to meet the new people. I can get along with strangers fine, but it would have been more work for me to be friendly if I was feeling out of place. Anyway, we'll see how my little ad goes. I'm not expecting much but who knows. At least I would have been distracted for a while.

Going up in flames

I'm sure you've heard about the fires going on in California, and this time not in southern part of the state. For this month so far, fires have been started for what feels like every other day. I remember going out of the house one morning and seeing ash on my car, despite the fact the fires were in Santa Cruz, a good 30 miles away (now that I've checked with the map).

Today while waiting for the train, I noticed the overall haziness and the smell of burning wood in the air. Forecasts say tomorrow will be similar to today, so it's going to be another sad day for all people involved with the fires. It would be nice to relieve the flood victims and using the water to get rid of the fires here... if only it would work that way. The weather has been getting stranger as the year progresses and I have a feeling that it's not going to be the same anymore.

:(

Surprise luncheon

Of all days to come late to work I found myself, along with hundreds of others, stuck on the train waiting for the conductors to fix the doors since there was a problem with them not closing. For obvious safety reasons, we couldn't leave until they were closed. So after waiting for twenty minutes I fell asleep after we started moving, which would have been better if we had another hour into the commute but it was nice anyway, I need more sleep.

So work was definitely a surprise because we had a luncheon that I did not know about... since my team has an issue with communication. Even Cindy admits it, which is problematic since I have a feeling that I'll be out of the loop 90% of the time. But anyway, free food for me, I got to meet new people, and learned a little more about the financial development in China from one of our government departments, after which the questions followed.

One troubling thing though, which was my lack of interest halfway through the presentation. Sigh. I need to get myself checked for AADD or something. Or get myself into a career totally not what I'm doing right now. Believe me, I've tried but somehow I always land these bank ones.

Anyway we went back to our floor, had a little goodbye party for B since she's been in our unit for too long and they like to shuffle people around for security purposes. I guess. While we were in the conference room, we had a little talk about work, etc. And then the second troubling thing occured. The analysts started talking about how once people leave the group, they never really do, etc. And somehow, the subject got back to me and how I could write up some stuff for them, as if I wasn't busy already. So get this, they jokingly said they might need an intern for the intern. That worried me a bit, mainly because I'm doing this for credit and so I understand that an internship is all about getting experience and on the job training, etc. I would put the same amount of work into this job if I did get paid but the whole point is - don't overdo it. All this for a good letter of recomendation... and maybe a foot in the door.

All this for... a job that will support my hobbies. Maybe one day, my hobbies will be my job. Now that's a thought. I need to keep that in mind for the rest of this year.

It's in the cut

So today was my first day of the new semester at school, which I knew was going to come sooner than later but it's over and done with. Whilst walking in the rain with my jacket hood on, I went back and forth campus from class to class and noticed that this is where all the (as far as labels go) emo, hip hop, international (as in, not only from Asia), older, flamingly gay, so-cal, and different people go. I've noticed it when I entered school but it's San Francisco so what more could I ask for? This was the reason I decided on my school and it's the people that make the school more enjoyable. For me anyway. We have all sorts. Not like say, Berkeley, where it seems like everyone is kinda sorta normal. How boring is that?

Anyway, that wasn't the point of this post. Since it was raining and was cold in general, most people were decked out in their winter jackets. What stuck out in my mind was that on the train home, I saw some older folks wearing trench coats that weren't particularly flattering. Usually I'm not a stickler for fashion and all that, I didn't match today or any day. What people wear is their business but it must have been the drastic difference in demographics from school to the public or something since I was really aware of people, and the dowdy coats that hung off their body frames. There are better coats out there!

Take a page from the Europeans (Italians especially) and their winter wear - trim line and simple. I saw this one chica with a nice wool coat and she was rockin' it.

So sparkly!

So... I was watching PBS earlier today (no, I was channel surfing but what else would I be doing on a stormy Thursday night - or any other night?) and I came across Deepak Chopra's Happiness Prescription program. I've heard of Dr. Chopra's name in various circles and knew what he was about but I've never seen his specials or read any of his books. At the beginning, we were introduced to cognitive thinking, etc. My attention wavered a bit until he mentioned how he believes that Buddha was the first cognitive therapist based on the Buddhist doctrines. Again my mind was trying to process what he said, to follow his thought process yet all I could look at was Dr. Chopra. More specifically, I was looking at his glasses.

I know there were many many important things he mentioned afterwards but I honestly could not see or think about anything but his thick plastic frames covered in red sparkles. This isn't the first time I've seen Dr. Chopra and he never wore those glasses. Ever. I wonder if he consulted someone about this before he taped his special, or whether it was a strategic move to have everyone look at his eyes - you know, for that psychological effect or whatever. But I thought it was strange of him to wear something so ostentatious. First of all, they didn't match his outfit. His clothes were rather sedate so perhaps he wanted to pull attention away from the boring clothes. Hmm.. perhaps. Second of all, I want those glasses for myself. If it's going to be anyone who needs new ostentatious frames, it would be me. Imagine Dorothy's shoes from The Wizard of Oz in the form of glasses. Forget the 10 steps to happiness, I got a bit of conscious happiness just looking at them sparkle!

Since mentioning glasses, I should go and get new lenses if not new frames for my own after two years of wearing the same pair. Words are getting a little harder to read from the back of the room and my right lense somehow became foggy though not because it's dirty. I'm sure that's why people give me a peculiar look (good? bad? I've no idea) when they talk to me. Either that or my eyes are gorgeous and the glasses serve as magnifiers, though opaque ones at that.

Resolutions

For the sake of actually keeping my resolutions, I have decided to keep them simple and short... as well as relatively easy to reach. Goodness knows how many times I've broken past resolutions or have given up making any at all. In no particular order:

Write more. On my blog or anywhere else. I started with a Magnetic Poetry calendar, does that count? A little?

Work my behind off in all my classes. In other words, get spectacular grades.

Work out at least three times a week. No matter what the circumstances except if I physically can't. Knock on wood.

Improve the cash flow. That camera ain't going to buy itself!

Do something about my hair. Everyone's been telling me to and I've been getting tired of the same old stuff too.

Reduce the junk that's been piling up in my room. It'll make moving out easier.

Pass the tests in May. That means studying enough to be confident in signing up for the exams in the first place.

Work on web design/photography skills.

Keep in touch with friends more.

I was going to say work on improving the personality a bit but I realize that if I keep up with these resolutions I'd be content and thus, happier.

Well. That shouldn't be too hard to do I hope.
Happy New Year to everyone!

What have I come to?

Hmm... I really should get back to blogging more. Excuse my rambling as I get back into gear, I'm sure there will be something later on in this blog that will make you think you're not wasting your time (I hope - if not then read someone else's. Easy as that.)

I've recently discovered some awesome blogs that have kicked my writing inspiration into gear. I’m probably going to add them to my measly list of blogs I read, which is in dire need of updating (How hard can that be to update? It’s only two links. Sheesh, this is kind of sad). I’m just so lazy, some things I think I can totally write about but I can’t muster up the energy to post it online let alone type it out. Sad, is it not? That’s so not the thing for me to do, because writing is rather therapeutic. I don’t know why I do this to myself. I’m a rather strange person
to begin with.

This semester has not been going well for me, but it’s my fault. So, that’s not much of a surprise and to tell you the truth, I’m really enjoying the free time I have. I probably won’t be able to squander my time away once I get a job, probably as some analyst because I refuse to get an internship that does not pay me. A girl’s got to eat and pay bills and stuff. That means saying adios to that editing job in the city. Actually, I’m predicting that I’ll cave and go back to trying to get an editorial internship after I mentally break down from analyzing stuff day in and out – either as an intern (if I get anything like that) or after graduation. I’ll probably be desperate enough be editorial intern for free and settle for the shitty pay if I get hired full time. But I am hoping that it’ll be worth it all in the end because damn it, I want to be satisfied with something in my life. What better than my job?

Seems like everyone has a job though, the blogs I read are all people who have more or less established their career. Even my friends have jobs; I’m late bloomer in every sense but I’m hoping that I can start my adult life like everyone else’s (but better, obviously) soon enough. Plus I want to move out of state as soon as I can simply because I’ve been here too long. It’s getting boring. I get bored real fast as I’ve mentioned multiple times before. Can you see how this is not a good thing for school and relationships? It’s hard for me to really be absorbed in something but once I do, it’ll be for life. That much I can guarantee. I can’t leave things for long, because even if I overdo it and feel like it’s getting repetitive, I’ll leave it alone for some period of time but I’ll get back to it once I’m ready. I guess that could be the same with people, I’d probably be a very good stalker if my common sense was overlooked.

I’m really a solitary person, I need my privacy and alone time. So I felt a little smothered when I was in a relationship, because he was always… there. Even with friends, I have long periods of being a hermit but they were more understanding, which is a must for whoever I date from now on. Anyway, my behavior lead to one of my ex-friend’s (the status of our friendship is rather murky so more on that later) sister nicknaming me the “hermit crab”. I resented it at first but now that I think about it, I’m cool with it. It describes me to a tee. I will come out of my shell when I damn well want to. I’m stubborn that way, but I’d like to believe that I’m open minded enough to try to improve myself and not be that much of a jackass to others. I don’t think I’m improving much but I’m trying. I have also resolved to not half ass anything anymore. It doesn’t get you anywhere except on the road to mediocrity. Do I really want to be just like all the others? Heck no! That would be… boring/insipid/monotonous. It would be lowering a standard that I can not, and will not accept. I just know I’m going to lead a very un-normal life. I already see the world differently so of course it’s going to affect what I do.

Dating is not going anywhere. What a surprise there. I haven’t been blind dating ever since that last post and I’m relieved I’m not doing that anymore. It’s not like it was horrendous or anything but I’m already tired of the moments of awkwardness and then the oncoming feeling of platonic friendliness throughout the whole night. That sucks. Yes, I know the ‘you never know if you never try’ mentality but man, I should grow some balls and ask whomever I fancy. I just need the guts to take some initiative. As well as getting out more when I’m not feeling too hermit-like to develop an attraction to anyone in the first place. At least this way, I know I’ll be attracted to them – whoever they are. At the same time, I’m holding back because I feel like I need to be established and on my own to deal with dating – it’s probably a security/independence issue I need to deal with. I want the other person to know that I’m an adult with a steady job, a social life, etc. because that’s what I expect from others. It’s only natural to expect it of myself as well. But if it happens, it happens. As the saying goes.

I really appreciate my friends doing this for me despite not having the dates work out. And Liv, ha. I’m thinking the woman always thought at the back of her mind that I was not all I tried to appear, and that was a sorry attempt too. So when she mentioned it to me over dinner that night in my previous post, she was as calm as can be. Like she was ready for some slight outburst of denial. Or perhaps not. She was prepared for anything, so when I admitted I should rethink my love life, she was her usual self and as unflappable as ever. I love her for times like that… as a friend only. Egads, did you think I have more than friendly feelings for her? I don't. Plus, she's practically married. She's going to name one of her kids after me. Or she'd better.