What have I come to?

Hmm... I really should get back to blogging more. Excuse my rambling as I get back into gear, I'm sure there will be something later on in this blog that will make you think you're not wasting your time (I hope - if not then read someone else's. Easy as that.)

I've recently discovered some awesome blogs that have kicked my writing inspiration into gear. I’m probably going to add them to my measly list of blogs I read, which is in dire need of updating (How hard can that be to update? It’s only two links. Sheesh, this is kind of sad). I’m just so lazy, some things I think I can totally write about but I can’t muster up the energy to post it online let alone type it out. Sad, is it not? That’s so not the thing for me to do, because writing is rather therapeutic. I don’t know why I do this to myself. I’m a rather strange person
to begin with.

This semester has not been going well for me, but it’s my fault. So, that’s not much of a surprise and to tell you the truth, I’m really enjoying the free time I have. I probably won’t be able to squander my time away once I get a job, probably as some analyst because I refuse to get an internship that does not pay me. A girl’s got to eat and pay bills and stuff. That means saying adios to that editing job in the city. Actually, I’m predicting that I’ll cave and go back to trying to get an editorial internship after I mentally break down from analyzing stuff day in and out – either as an intern (if I get anything like that) or after graduation. I’ll probably be desperate enough be editorial intern for free and settle for the shitty pay if I get hired full time. But I am hoping that it’ll be worth it all in the end because damn it, I want to be satisfied with something in my life. What better than my job?

Seems like everyone has a job though, the blogs I read are all people who have more or less established their career. Even my friends have jobs; I’m late bloomer in every sense but I’m hoping that I can start my adult life like everyone else’s (but better, obviously) soon enough. Plus I want to move out of state as soon as I can simply because I’ve been here too long. It’s getting boring. I get bored real fast as I’ve mentioned multiple times before. Can you see how this is not a good thing for school and relationships? It’s hard for me to really be absorbed in something but once I do, it’ll be for life. That much I can guarantee. I can’t leave things for long, because even if I overdo it and feel like it’s getting repetitive, I’ll leave it alone for some period of time but I’ll get back to it once I’m ready. I guess that could be the same with people, I’d probably be a very good stalker if my common sense was overlooked.

I’m really a solitary person, I need my privacy and alone time. So I felt a little smothered when I was in a relationship, because he was always… there. Even with friends, I have long periods of being a hermit but they were more understanding, which is a must for whoever I date from now on. Anyway, my behavior lead to one of my ex-friend’s (the status of our friendship is rather murky so more on that later) sister nicknaming me the “hermit crab”. I resented it at first but now that I think about it, I’m cool with it. It describes me to a tee. I will come out of my shell when I damn well want to. I’m stubborn that way, but I’d like to believe that I’m open minded enough to try to improve myself and not be that much of a jackass to others. I don’t think I’m improving much but I’m trying. I have also resolved to not half ass anything anymore. It doesn’t get you anywhere except on the road to mediocrity. Do I really want to be just like all the others? Heck no! That would be… boring/insipid/monotonous. It would be lowering a standard that I can not, and will not accept. I just know I’m going to lead a very un-normal life. I already see the world differently so of course it’s going to affect what I do.

Dating is not going anywhere. What a surprise there. I haven’t been blind dating ever since that last post and I’m relieved I’m not doing that anymore. It’s not like it was horrendous or anything but I’m already tired of the moments of awkwardness and then the oncoming feeling of platonic friendliness throughout the whole night. That sucks. Yes, I know the ‘you never know if you never try’ mentality but man, I should grow some balls and ask whomever I fancy. I just need the guts to take some initiative. As well as getting out more when I’m not feeling too hermit-like to develop an attraction to anyone in the first place. At least this way, I know I’ll be attracted to them – whoever they are. At the same time, I’m holding back because I feel like I need to be established and on my own to deal with dating – it’s probably a security/independence issue I need to deal with. I want the other person to know that I’m an adult with a steady job, a social life, etc. because that’s what I expect from others. It’s only natural to expect it of myself as well. But if it happens, it happens. As the saying goes.

I really appreciate my friends doing this for me despite not having the dates work out. And Liv, ha. I’m thinking the woman always thought at the back of her mind that I was not all I tried to appear, and that was a sorry attempt too. So when she mentioned it to me over dinner that night in my previous post, she was as calm as can be. Like she was ready for some slight outburst of denial. Or perhaps not. She was prepared for anything, so when I admitted I should rethink my love life, she was her usual self and as unflappable as ever. I love her for times like that… as a friend only. Egads, did you think I have more than friendly feelings for her? I don't. Plus, she's practically married. She's going to name one of her kids after me. Or she'd better.